ClemsonYoga

Birth Assistant Story

I helped a woman give birth back in January.  For several days afterwards, I wanted to tell the whole world.  Wrapped on my car, printed on my t-shirt, flag in my yard, written on my face, "I just helped a woman give birth!"  I was left with a sense of joy and living in a new world. I had experienced these same feelings with the birth of my own children.  Being part of bringing new life into the world is profound no matter what.

It started when I met with her about CAFE, a local food network where we both volunteer. She was just a few months pregnant and expressed an interest in some prenatal yoga sessions. So, we did some private sessions. Once she entered her third trimester, she said she was still looking for a doula but could not find one. She totally reeled me in despite my uncertainty.  

I went to a yoga workshop and talked with a couple of people about possibly helping at a birth. One person said, "When someone asks me to help her at her birth, I ask 'Are you comfortable with me seeing you naked?'  You will know based on how she answers."  How she answers, mind you. Not what she answers. Okay, so I see her at the CAFE Christmas party, and there I asked her, not exactly in front of a bunch of people, but a bunch of people were around. I asked with my hesitation glimmering in the background, "Are you comfortable with me seeing you naked?"  "Yes."  She said. She said in the most definite, this is how it should be kind of way. So, who am I to argue with a pregnant woman about who should help her at her birth?

After this, I went to her house weekly, and we prepared for her labor and delivery as well as practiced breathing and postures to make the final days of pregnancy easier. I also shared with her my two birth experiences.

I went with her and dad-to-be to one of their appointments with the nurse midwife practice. My acupuncturist gave me some information about acupressure for pain relief during labor and childbirth. I pored over how to be a good helper, knowing it would all be fine. Still, I had waves of "Holy crap! I'm going to help someone give birth!" that passed through me frequently in addition to something of an identity crisis.

The day came, it was sleeting, and I went to her house to help her and dad get on the road to the hospital that was an hour away in Greenville. When we got there, the nurses discovered she was 6cm dilated. A little later we stood in the labor room under glaring lights, amongst wires and beeps. Mom was leaning against the wall while the  midwife looked for baby's heartbeat. I stood next to imminent dad speechless an gawking until the midwife said something to mom about swaying her hips and bending her knees. My reaction was visceral but still a little paralyzed as I stepped toward her to help her as she labored. They spent an hour getting the room ready and admitting her while we walked the hall.  

We got her into the birthing pool.  Mom was completely and utterly trusting all of us. I watched someone completely surrender that day to the people helping her and to the pain of labor. Once we got her in the pool, the nurse led her through a light breathing technique. Ugh!  That's supposed to be me! The lights had dimmed by that time. Easy music was playing. It became urgent for me to step and and do what I was there to do. The nurses left, waving quietly. I went to work. We breathed together. I pressed acupressure points, I soothed her, dad soothed her, we got cool cloths for her forehead. We helped her stand up knowing how monumentally hard it would be for her to move, but we had to because they could not find the baby's heart beat. She did it.

The midwife found the baby two inches away from crowning. No wonder they couldn't find the heartbeat! We helped her back into the birthing pool, and then it was time to push. For mom, it took her to her limit, but it was so easy. The birth was incredibly easy. The baby came out, and the midwife brought him out of the pool. His first cries were like, "Hey!  What is going on here?  Where is my home?"  He looked at me sideways and cried, "You aren't where I'm supposed to be!  Where am I supposed to be?!"  As soon as he was in his mother's arms, he was quiet. The look he gave me was a look of great surprise with a glint of recognition. All in all mom was in active labor for about 12 hours with three of it being at the hospital.

I am so glad that it went so well and truly honored that someone would want me to be part of such an important and intimate event in their lives. For that, I will always be grateful. 

 

Here he is at four weeks with Little A.  MC is trying to give him his paci.

 

 

Introducing Aubrey

Aubrey Ellen Thankful Gahan was born September 12, 2010 at 2am.  All is well.  

Three people in the past week have asked when I am coming back.  In January, for sure.  I will put the word out when I set the where and when.  In the meantime, I hope to visit class at the garden with Aubrey in the next week or so.

Many thanks,

Renee

 

 

The list of things to do before you die, part 2

Ok, you have your list of 30 things prioritzed?

Next step:  Cross out everything but your top ten.  This is what you can probably accomplish in your lifetime.  

So, I want to have a vegetable garden.  I have my whole life to do this, right?  Well, another perspective is that I have 40 more planting seasons to start a vegetable garden.  Gee, it might take five just to get the basics right.  I haven't even tried in the past three seasons because of childbearing years.  In times past I have tried without great commitment to the process (ahem, watering), and so, have not really had many vegetables come out of my garden.  Plus, I need to find a better spot to have a vegetable garden.

Ok, you get the picture.  Maybe you are experiencing something similair to this with one of your life list items.  We have only so many chances to get it right. And maybe to live to your fullest is to focus on just a few things.  

This is just a little of what my friend Lara can do. All organic.  She is always growing something.  Maybe I should call her....

Santa Monica Teacher Training Notes

Getting Back

I got back from an eight day teacher training in Santa Monica last Tuesday at 10:00 am.  I took the redeye, and don't know if I will do that again.  I feel like I lost a week with the three hour jump forward and subsequent jet lag.  Plus, when I got home, husband and baby were sick (still are), and I made the general announcement that I am pregnant.  I'm still in my first trimester, which has also has put me in a slower gear.

Santa Monica

Santa Monica itself seems to be an easy place to live.  I did not experience traffic horrors that I had imagined prior to my trip.  If you can deal with traffic in Atlanta, you can deal with traffic in Santa Monica. Also, I think I saw Ben Stiller at a regular grocery store, not Whole Foods nor Trader Joes, but at Alberston's, which is like Ingles.  It seems like everyone walks around wondering if everyone else is a star.  Even in our little aqua kia, we would get checked out at red lights.  If I were gawking, and I would never (err hmm) I would peer nonchalantly into nothing less than a lexus.  Nonetheless, the little kia with a beaten up roof seemed celebrity worthy to some.  Maybe we should have tried to get into that place on Rodeo Drive...

The Teacher Training

So, what about the teacher training?

Well, this segment covered mostly methodology i.e. how to make adjustments verbally and through the use body language, details on poses, etc.  I also got some new ideas for poses and modifications that I will sprinkle into class as time goes on.

There were a few homework assignments that we were given that I would like to share with you, though.  These assignments come from A Year to Live by Stephen Levine.  

Assignment 1, part 1:

List 30 things that you want to do before you die and put them in order of most important to least important.  In five days I will post the second part of this assignment.

My Yoga Friend Caroline

I also got to spend some time with my friend Caroline Weaver who lives in DC.  Here are some photos of what she can do:

So, this is on her way back up.  I didn't have a quick enough draw to catch her when she was fully in the backbend.

 Sweet and simple, no?  Please don't try this at home if you have not prepared your shoulders for this pose. Otherwise, you will feel like the heads of your arm bones will pop out of your armpits and everything connected to it will experience great pain.  Trust me on this.

It's all in how you lift your hips and having very open, strong shoulders.  If living perfection for you is now this, start with splaying your hands and pressing down every time they are on the floor in a pose.

Once I have my baby, and am ready, I am going to invite her to Clemson to lead us in an inversion and arm balance workshop.  We won't start with this.  We will start in more familiar territory such as handstands, headstands, crow, and forearm balances.  Hopefully, she will accept.

Her shoulders are not pinched in any way.  Her hands are splayed.  From this, it's knowing what to lift.

I am so glad I got to spend some time with Caroline.  She also has a regular meditation practice and ponders quite a bit.  She's just great, and I hope that we can meet again soon.

Looking back on 2009

2009 was a good year. 

Here are 10 things that happened that were great:

1. I started Max Strom's teacher training, and it has completely changed the way I teach and the way I practice.  I look forward to the final two segments this year in Santa Monica.
2. Lots and lots of people have come to class.  It is exciting to have a full room of people and to have so many regulars.  I hope for the same in 2010.
3. We had class outside for three straight months last spring.  How wonderful to be outside in the morning practicing yoga as the dew dries, and in the evening when the birds are getting ready for sunset.  We tried in the fall, but the mosquitoes never really left us alone. This spring we will be back out there for sure.
4. Erin and I went to the Michael Stone workshop in Asheville.  We had a great time outside of the workshop too, and with her there, it really reinforced some things that I got from his talks.
5. In August, the meditation group met for the first time.  We have had some very good discussion after meditation, and I look forward to how these sessions will develop.
6. I discovered dharmaseed.org and The Interdependence Project.  Both have loads of talks that can be downloaded or streamed.
7. I began reading yoga and buddhist books again.  My list will be part of another post.
8. I began using blocks in my practice and let go of the urge to push myself in every practice.  Instead, I search for the right balance of effort and ease and enjoy how this varies in the span of a week, month, season, year.  I am better connected to my joy, strength, and power and can find stillness much more easily than in previous years of practicing.
9. I can finally do crow pose.
10. The community of yogis in our area are starting to come together.  I am excited to see how this develops in 2010 as well.

Pointing the Way (Part II): A Friend of Chogyam

Recently, I met someone who was a close friend of Chogyam Trungpa.

Chogyam Trungpa became a Tibetan exile and was raised to fulfill his duties as a Rinpoche in Tibetan Buddhism.   Rinpoche is a title for a Tibetan Buddhist Master.  As Chogyam was receiving his education in Nepal, he decided that he would renounce his robes and monastic life and take his teachings and Tibetan Buddhism to the West as an ordinary person.

Arriving in the 60s, he lived as ordinarily as he could.  He went to Oxford, married, and established a Tibetan Buddhist community, a meditation method called Shambhala Training and Naropa University. Chogyam also made an impact on the approach to hospice care and in the arts.  He presented his teachings as a way of living, not a religion and taught people to ground beliefs in the here and now by applying them to everyday life. 

He was also a wild man who had sex with many of his students, female and male alike.  He drank alcohol to the extreme. Some time ago, a yoga teacher told me that he died of AIDS.  My recent light research says he died of alcohol related illness at the age of 48.  He brought tremendous gifts to us in regards to meditation and applying Buddhist principles to everyday life in the West.  The term crazy wisdom was used to describe Trungpa’s style.  No doubt.  He was Enlightened, and with this, the reasoning goes, we cannot begin to understand what framework of ethics he may have had.  And we should not imitate him unless we can imitate his mind.

Back in the day, a dozen years ago, I wanted to go to Naropa to study because of the writing program and then discovered that Chogyam Trungpa was the founder.  It seemed like everything was pointing in that direction for me.  I had a daily 20-minute meditation practice along with a martial arts practice.  Chogyam Trungpa's writings lit the way for me, and at the same time were part of something remote, difficult, and rare. If I were to really follow what I learned, I realized that I needed to stay here as an ordinary person.  I decided that rather than being remote and choosing faraway things, I would remain in Upstate, South Carolina, and apply the insights I get from a meditation practice as well as from what I read.  But, experience, I promised, would take precedent over anything I got from a book.  It's easy to gain knowledge in the mind.  To be able to use it and apply it to life is to complete the cycle of knowledge and bring it to understanding and a way of being.  That seems to be the point of Buddhism - stay in the now, where you are, and live in reality which is everyday living.  Live in the way that most everyone lives, just be healthy and clear about it.  Live well, live local, live now.

So, a decade has passed since this decision, and I have lunch with a man who knew Chogyam Trungpa.  Big deal.  That’s what I told myself, but I made it a point to speak to him once I found out.  It would have been a big deal a dozen years ago. I was just curious to see if he was further along in his spiritual evolution, and perhaps in a full state of the E word, nothing more.  I wasn’t looking for answers from him; I just wanted to see what he was like and what he had to say.

We ended up having lunch with a group.  During our conversation, the subject of accessing universal consciousness was brought up and how it is the latest progression in the human psyche.  We are all on our way to this one person said. More and more people are reaching this everyday.  Like fundamental Christianity that is spreading across Far East like wildfire?  Like the latest style of sneaks by Puma?   Someone said that currently 4% of the population lives in this state.  That would be 272 million people.  Where does 4% come from?  Did a group do a study?  What were the standards to confirm that someone has reached a state of universal consciousness?  

Is this even something that should be lunch table conversation?  We are not in a temple, or a meditation hall.  The restaurant is not allowed to burn incense per DHEC regulations.  And anyways, this is simply a paradigm that may or may not be true.  Parts of it are true, but if we have underpinnings of an intention (or assumption) that everyone should and will experience this, then are we talking about a religion?  How do you know what universal consciousness is like?  By what standards?  To standardize it would be dangerous and make it a religion for sure.  It should be treated like air, something natural and accessible on anyone's terms and not really ever contained.  

My lunch companions picked up on my resistance to the conversation. I asked if people should trust someone who claims to live in a state of universal consciousness at all times.  The friend of Chogyam said no.  And he also said that to choose the diamond path is to walk the razor's edge, suggesting that I am trying to walk this path.  He said it is better to walk the middle way, the path with heart rather than the path of the mind.  To follow the diamond path is treacherous because you continually define Enlightenment by what it is not.  Well, shouldn't heart and mind be in balance and with equal power and equal roles?

We live in a time where people hold fast to their beliefs and their understanding of truth and expect everyone to share the same beliefs.  As a result, we have a culture war on our soil and watch the violence abroad over the very same issue.  So, at the lunch table, I saw this in the guise of trend, fashion, and images that are being generated in our minds about yoga and how we experience it.  It is unstoppable – the generating of these images.  It’s just how we are.  It is natural that we form collective ideas, but how can we live out our beliefs and our understanding of truth and fulfillment without diminishing another’s?  If we believe in freedom then we must respect our differences in religion, non-religion, taste, class, looks, diet, politics, race, sexual preferences, culture… 

Ok. Some of my buttons got pushed that day.

I do agree that making loving kindness a primary way of living is the best way.  After all, we are human with the need and the capacity to love.  Love is universal and is much more complex than any greeting card or advice column can express.  At the same time, thinking things through is a great way to understand any beliefs that one might have.  It's in this way that you can know that you are living fully in loving kindness.  I want my mind and heart to be allies.

About meditation practice he said that you begin to realize that consciousness is like a movie reel.  That everyday experience is actually cut up into pictures that run together quickly.  The next thing that happens is that you can slip behind the moving images, and it is there that you know everything, and there is where you experience universal consciousness.  He said not to get hung up on making mistakes.  He more or less told me to go with my insights and trust what I experience.

Am I reading too much into this?  Maybe.  But this with seeing Dogugaeshi makes me feel that some more of the way has been pointed out to me. And maybe I already understood all of this, but maybe I needed a reminder and needed to realize that I have caught a glimpse past the screens and that I need to trust my insights and experiences.  But, don't trust me on this, ok?  Go find out for yourself if you are curious to know.

Pointing the Way (Part I): Basil Twist's Dogugaeshi

A couple of weeks ago, I went to see Dogugaeshi at Spoleto.  When we walked into the theater area, immediately the environment was altered.  It was dark, and paper lanterns cast a soft glow that led the way to our seats.  Even though we were at an auditorium, the darkness and the ceiling emphasized the smallness of the side hall.  On the ceiling black gauze was draped in billows from the back of the theater all the way to the stage.  

Basil Twist, the puppeteer, came out and prefaced what we were about to see.  Dogugaeshi is a traditional Japanese art form (almost lost) comprised of sliding screens that make intricate patterns.  It became its own art form from Japanese puppetry in the 16th century.  Twist has become a steward of the tradition and will quite possibly revitalize it.

The show began with all of us sitting in a quiet, pitch-black room.  Then a gauze screen appeared that glowed like the lanterns.  It moved out of the way to reveal more layers of gauze screen that in its own time moved out of the way.  I realized that this was how people made moving pictures before film.  Candles were used behind a gauze screen to create shadow silhouettes that could move and tell a story.  

On stage, the silhouette of boats riding on a sea appeared.  Japanese music accompanied the movement of the boats.  Then the screens became actual panels that moved together to make sometimes a mural, sometimes just a beautiful design.  The panels shifted and moved until it was a perspective that ended at a tiny vanishing point.  The music and the panels progressed from a blank screen to a play of silhouettes to murals and designs.  When the screens stopped moving we were looking at a room of infinite screens.  A fox appeared.  It appeared in one spot, then another, then from the ceiling, then far away in the distance.  

Descriptions of the experience of meditation are described as at first, overcoming the distractions of the mind and its myriad tactics to continuously create screens that cover up our still centers.  When we penetrate the screens of the mind, it fights.  Many descriptions recount a period of fear and darkness that the mind generates as the meditator cultivates his/her meditative state.  The mind pulls the fear card too.  And so, as we watched, the music became discordant, the screens began to shake and fall to the side.  Perhaps a description of the destruction that takes place of our mind's screens as we penetrate deeper.  It was as if the world were coming to an end.  Then silence.

The screens went away, and it was pitch black again in the room.  Then the fox reappeared dancing to the music.  The puppeteer was dressed in black and could be seen. It was then that I saw how a universal self or spirit animates us.  Our attention is anchored to worldly things and experiences, but we are all animated by this universal emptiness.  This universal self, which is really nothing, dances with this world through us.

It's all very funny, and the fox's dance was funny.  It swirled with grace, then pranced and did a sachet with it's tail like a diva with a feather boa, then it was engaged in dance with the music and beautiful because it was entranced.

The screens came back.  The fox went back to exploring the spaces in the screens.  At this point I realized that the way the theater was set up with the gauze billowing from the ceiling, that we are in this infinite space of screens ourselves.  We are part of the screens.  The Self animates us while simultaneously we are part of this picture that reaches into infinity.

To see a short video clip from Dogugaeshi click here. There is more to this show than what I have described and regardless of your pursuit in meditation, well worth seeing.  Anytime that a Basil Twist show comes near here, I will certainly be there to watch.

Seeing this show along with meeting someone who knew Chogyam Trungpa, the subject of my next post, makes me feel that some more of the way has been pointed out to me.  And maybe here recently I have gotten a double reminder of what it is to catch a glimpse past the screens.

Our Breath

We share the same breath, and the air that circulates the earth is the same air that has circulated since the beginning of time.  We share the same breath because we share the same air with all living things that have been on earth, is on earth right now, and will be on earth.

This hit home for me about a year ago.  I was in a conference room at a textile mill with third shift employees who were about to be laid off.  There I sat with people who had wisps of cotton around the edge of their ears, their clothes worn and tired.  It was 6:30 in the morning and it was past time for them to be home getting some sleep from a full night's work.  Instead they were in this room with me and my colleagues listening to the support available to them after their jobs end.  Our audience was quiet, maybe a little dumbfounded as to what was happening.  Already they had this job that barely paid a living wage, most of them had kids at home, maybe a spouse.  Many of them started working there immediately after dropping out of school and have been there 10 or more years.  A good portion of them probably had grand kids and facing middle age or past it.

As I sat beside a woman who watched us as we presented all the services available to them to help them find another job, I realized that I was breathing the very same air that had been in her lungs.  Every single one of us were sharing this air and probably had already drawn it into our bodies and back out despite how little we knew of each other. 

Despite how we might filter one another, at the very most basic we all share the same breath so long as we live.  In this, I see a reason for common respect for all people.  To not respect someone is to not respect yourself because you are taking in something that that person has already had, and you are always giving something to everyone around you.  At a very basic level, why not be conscious of what you are giving in speech and in breath?  Why not keep your body healthy so that what you give helps people thrive.  It is in your own best interest.  If people around you are not thriving, then it is more difficult for you to thrive.

Also, seeing someone as alien is a result of being disconnected from the breath.  Being alienated and seeing someone as alien are one in the same and is a basic disconnection from a unified sense of self.  The breath is a way to reconnect, stay connected, and heal any disconnection because it is a unifying force on this earth.

My Birth Story

I finished writing a birth plan the week before the birth.  I left work about two and a half weeks before the due date.  The first week away from work was the only week between work and birth.  I had plans to reorganize my kitchen, paint a bookshelf, pick at my toes, and listen to the leaves rustle in the wind.  But, in that week I took a nap twice a day and walked gingerly around on my swollen doll feet.  I went with a pregnant friend to see the Indiana Jones movie and sat around at a Memorial Day picnic in the neighborhood.  I just didn't have the umph to do any projects and felt funny sensations in my body the entire week.  I figured they were Braxton Hicks contractions, and I never felt any pain.  I started to show some signs and was 3 centimeters dilated early in the week.

The signs were not going away, nor were the funny movements and pulses.  I worried about it but didn't want to sound a false alarm.  Instead, I had a couple of meltdowns with my husband at night because the birth was imminent.  Thursday passed, and I thought I should call my doctor.  Friday passed, and I thought I should call my doctor.  I kept putting it off because most first babies come late, and I figured that would be the case with us.  Saturday evening rolled around, and I realized that the signs were stronger that day.  I told Shannon that I needed to see a doctor.  So, I called the hospital.

As it turned out, the OB I wanted at delivery was on call, and she told me to come to the hospital to get checked.  It was 6:30, and I was too nervous to eat, so we went without going to dinner.  We didn't bring the overnight bag because I thought it would be a just a reassurance check.  By the time I was admitted, rolled to the labor and delivery ward, and set up on the monitors it was 7:30 or so.  I realized that I had felt menstrual-like cramps all day.  My husband and I timed them - 10  minutes apart.  Suddenly things were coming into focus for me.  I felt happy, expectant and ready to go get something to eat and finish up loose ends like re potting the purple shamrock while I remained expectant for another couple of weeks.

The nurse checked me and I was six centimeters dilated.  No going home.  No getting dinner.  It was 9:00, and they got the labor room ready for me while the cramps got stronger.  The doctor said that Taco Bell and Wal Mart are the only two places open all night.  So, Shannon could get me something to eat afterwards.  I put it in my mind that I would give birth by 2:00 am.

My mom and my sister friend showed up while Shannon went home to get our bag and the birth plan.  They made small talk, and I was silent - glad they were there and wanting them to go away.  The contractions were coming consistently and grew in strength.  10:00 rolled around, Shannon came back and my mom and Christine went to the waiting room.  We asked for a birthing ball and Shannon unrolled my yoga mat.  He also pulled out a massager that I had packed.  I got on all fours and did cat cow through contractions and rested by hanging onto the birth ball.  I did this for quite some time.  At one point I noticed Mad TV was on the television.  The Korean guy was on a catwalk wearing a speedo and a spiked dog collar.  Who turned on the TV anyway?  It got turned off.  The lights were low in the room and the only sounds were the quiet hums of the hospital cooling, ventilating, pumping, and tracking its patients through the night.

As the contractions grew stronger I got on the birth ball and Shannon massaged my back.  This really made a difference.  After midnight, things started to slow down.  So we walked the short hallway toward the waiting room.  I felt a spot of cold blood touch my skin as the hem of my hospital gown swept the back of my thigh.  I was the only one giving birth in the hospital that night.  The rooms I passed were dark and all the beds were tightly made.  A lazy boy in flowery upholstery was in the doctor's lounge the size of a large closet. Screens glowed in the dark rooms.The very short walk brought on a contraction, and I had to turn around and retreat to the room so quiet and dim.

All three of us took a nap around 2am and at just the point where the contractions began to wrack my entire body.  I found that laying still kept them at bay.  I got up at one point just to see how strong they might be.  I got to the birth ball and could not fully sit because of the pain washing through me.  Shannon was sleeping, and I was all alone next to the window that showed the dark sky dotted with some lights from the hospital and highway 123.  I realized that the only way I could leave that room would be after having the baby.  Even if I did escape and go to Wal Mart right then, I pictured a disaster in the home goods aisle that would involve shocked stock clerks working the night shift.

4am rolled around, and I knew I needed to get things moving again.  I tried to get up but the contraction that came was too much, and I was afraid that things would go too fast.  So, I stayed in the hospital bed set in a way that I could sit up.  I was 8cm dilated by that time quickly getting to  9cm.  The nurses were great.  They gave me plenty of time alone, and I felt like they were there to help me if I needed it.  When I was getting from 9cm to 10cm, Shannon stood by my side, and I clutched him.  He encouraged me quietly and was very calm and strong.  I felt the urge to push but wasn't sure if it was time.  I napped between contractions, held onto Shannon, and let the pain saturate me.  But then I needed them to check me.  I told Shannon to get the nurse.  He didn't hear me because I was talking so low.  I could hardly speak because my mind was so submerged in what was going on in my body.  He couldn't hear me, and my only way to repeat it was to yell over the pain, "Please, go get the nurse!"  Next thing I knew, they were both there checking me, calm, firm, and kind.

Soon after the doctor was there and the lights were on.  It was after 5am, and the light in the window was starting to turn blue from the coming dawn.  The time to push came.  I was so exhausted by then and could not get my strength behind the pushing.  The nurses and the doctor were coaching me, "Come on, Renee! Push! Push! Push!"  Now, that was definitely a departure from my birth plan that they never saw (Shannon couldn't print it.  My doc and the nurses knew basically what I wanted).  In the birth plan I wanted to push on my own and would ask for assistance.  Well, I'm here to tell you that I was barely conscious.  I napped between contractions, which might have been two minutes apart.  Their coaching woke me up and was exactly what I needed.  I am thankful that they were there.  As I pushed, I felt like my body was a stalled car that wouldn't crank.  The doctor asked me if I wanted to use the squat bar or the birth ball.  I told her I was fine right where I was.  I could not fathom trying heave myself up out of the bed even with assistance and withstand a contraction at the same time.

I pushed for about 45 minutes when they brought in the rope.  A nurse held one end while I held another during the contractions and pushing.  With this resistance, I was able to push the way I needed to.  It was like a reflex kicked in and my entire body pushed down and out.  I kept pushing as the contractions subsided and rested less because it seemed I would gain momentum right at the moment that the contraction lessened.  They pulled a mirror up because she was starting to crown.  I never saw anything because I either had my eyes squinched shut from pushing or I was napping.  At one point I looked at Shannon and he was crying.  The look in his eye was nothing I had ever seen.  He was truly moved, and I will always love him for it and am thankful that he was there with me.  Dawn came, and the nurses were about to change shifts.  They decided that they were staying.  I then began to yell at the top of my lungs to get her out.  Shortly after, Marion came through as I raised the rooftops.  I was still pushing with all my might when the doctor said, "Look, Renee, she's here!"  I opened my eyes, and they were putting her on my chest.  Oh what a relief, a surprise, a gift, a turning point, and thank God I did not have to push anymore.

I stayed the rest of that day and the following night in the hospital with her.  We were discharged and on our way home in the early afternoon.  I rode in the back with our baby and the theme to the Indiana Jones movie ran through my head.  I was so proud, and I just wanted to hug her tight to my chest like a dozen roses that beauty queens get with their crowns.  All in all, I would do it this way again, and maybe in a couple of years I will....

Yoga and Pregancy Part II

At Atlanta Yoga, there is a picture of a woman who is well into her third trimester doing a handstand with her legs split above her.  I have been looking at that picture in the five years that I have been going there.  She looks so centered, sure, and strong. Then there are the women who give birth at home in their bathtubs and during their pregnancy they squat for hours every day.  Then there are prenatal yoga books where the poses are elemental where the very same home birth women are pictured doing modified triangles in striped leotards, their hair thick and wild.

I will admit that I did not resemble any of these women during my pregnancy in all of their complete comfort with themselves and how the pregnancy will turn out.  The first few months I was very uncertain about what I should or should not do in my practice because it was my first pregnancy, and I didn't know how my body would carry it.  I got conflicting advice about doing yoga in the first trimester of pregnancy.  One camp says don't do any yoga, especially during weeks 9-13.  The other camp says do what you were doing before, just no bungee jumping or contact sports. Does that include jumping out of airplanes?  Rats!

How my practice changed

The rule of thumb that I followed for nine months was to do what I had been doing unless it felt uncomfortable.  Airing on the side of caution, I did almost no asana during the most vulnerable weeks in early pregnancy.  After week thirteen, I went back to my ashtanga practice, but stopped doing inversions altogether.  When I went up into shoulderstand, I felt a great deal of pressure in my head and chest and took that as a sign to avoid inversions.  To satisfy my urge to do inversions, I did rest my head in prasarita padotanasana and positioned it and put weight on it as if I would go into a headstand next.  Also, I stopped jumping back and jumping through as well as uddiyana bandha.   I gave up twists and backbends too.  Oh, and giving up twists was  hard.  My body craved them  every day.

Practice during my second trimester felt really good.  I found the right pace and began enjoying my pregnant body.  For the most part I did a modified primary series peppered with extra hip and chest openers and lots of squatting and kneeling warriors.  As my pregnancy advanced, my breath go shorter. At six months I began to enjoy emphasizing the backbend in warriors and fierce posture until one day I felt a pull in my side.  I was sore afterwards and so said goodbye to making poses a little backbendy. 

Week by week in my third trimester I said goodbye to elements in my practice that made me feel like I was doing yoga such as lunges, forward folds, and tree pose.  When the day came that I had to say goodbye to sun salutations, I realized that my practice could not be this powerful force that makes me sweaty and sore. My practice peeled away a little bit at a time in the last three months until what was left were cat cows, squats, bound angles, pranayama and resting on my side.  It's all I wanted to do, and I didn't force a discipline of 90 minutes where I played with edges into what became 20 minutes of a supportive practice that was very gentle on the body.  I went on a lot of walks.

Getting ready for labor

I read a handful of books about pregnancy during this time.  The two that were most helpful were Active Birth by Janet Balaskas and An Easier Childbirth: A Mother's Guide to Birthing Normally by
Gayle Peterson. The Balaskas book focused on women getting physically ready for birth while the Peterson book focused on the mental and emotional aspects of labor and birth.  I also got great ideas on how to modify my practice from two DVDs: Prenatal Yoga with Shiva Rea and Prenatal Vinyasa Yoga with Jennifer Wolfe.  I also listened to a CD of guided imagery for pregnancy and childbirth by Belleruth Naperstek that I found reassuring and supportive for the changes taking place internally.

After reading, watching, listening and then arguing with my OB/GYN friend (he graduated just a few weeks before my daughter came) about how birth should be, I wrote a birth plan.  I planned to use the squat bar and move around a lot.  Basically, I planned to do yoga while I was in labor.  I wanted to avoid the drugs,  the epidural, induction, c-section, and any other medical intervention that was not necessary in me giving birth. 

I chose to go to an OB and to give birth at a hospital because I knew nothing about pregnancy, labor, or childbirth going into this a year ago.  I told my best friend we were thinking about getting pregnant, and lo and behold, I discovered I was pregnant just a month or two later.  Should I attribute fertility to my yoga practice?  Maybe. 

I know of only one midwife in the area, and currently, she is not delivering.  When I say area, I mean Anderson-Oconee-Pickens.  I have lived almost half my life in the Oconee Pickens area and felt it was important to give birth in my community.  I found an OB in Seneca who has a baby just five months older than mine and who supports giving birth as naturally as possible.  So, the delivery was set for Oconee Memorial Hospital in Seneca, and there I found the nurses to be very supportive in the way I wanted to give birth too. 

The other option I considered, a midwife and delivery at home just didn't ring true for me.  I didn't know enough to even know how to pick a midwife or how to get my home ready for childbirth.  I was working full time at a job that got even more demanding and dramatic while I was pregnant.  So, my energy was spent at the end of my work days and work weeks.  I felt it was important for me to rest as much as possible.  As a result, I opted not to go on an intense search for a midwife and all the knowledge and accoutrements that are required for a home birth.  I did want to attend a Bradley Method course, but that too, did not come to pass because of my working life and its demands on me.

How Yoga Affected My Pregnancy

I had no complications during my pregnancy, and I stayed in tune with my energy levels.  I was able to deal with the shortness of breath by taking time to fill and empty my lungs as completely as I could  frequently through the day.  I got sick only once.  I slowed down, way down.  I gave birth to a  beautiful and healthy baby. Because I have never been pregnant without doing yoga, I cannot really say how my practice affected my pregnancy.  Overall, it went well despite the stress that I encountered during my pregnancy. 

Conclusion

During my pregnancy and even up until recently, I struggled with where I fell in the spectrum of mothering styles.  One end is use all technology available, while the other is to go as naturally as possible.  I felt that I needed to make a choice between the two in order to be consistent with the way I want to live and what I wish for the world.  Here's the thing: if it weren't for technology such as baby formula, my baby right now might not be alive.  On the other hand, technology can become a type of prosthetic and as a result interfere with the bonding between mother and child. 

I have reached a temporary conclusion that may become my guiding principle as a mother.  Having a child and parenting is an ongoing creative act, a series of decisions based on a vision of the kind of person you want to help your child become. Another way of looking at it is that parenting is about setting a good stage for your child.  The world I live in is full of things I don't like or wish did not exist such as poverty, abuse, fried chicken livers, stinky feet, and a lot of what is on television.  The best way to address this is to move toward what I want instead of battling against what I don't want.  So, what does this have to do with mothering styles?  These days I give very little weight to anything that smacks of an us against them mentality in parenting advice and lifestyle choices, that is, when I can recognize it.  Instead, I hope to draw out the things that complete us all and make us all whole. And in this way, maybe I can help my daughter become someone at home with herself and in the world.

Welcome to the World

Introducing.....

Marion Claire Gahan

 

 

Born June 1st, 2008 at 7:07am

(a Sunday morning)

7 pounds 1 ounce

 

She came a little early but healthy nonetheless.

I hope all is well for all who read this.

~Renee

The Self

The eighth limb of ashtanga yoga is samadhi, or union with the Self.  Self is capitalized because it is the thing that unifies us all and is a universal state of being.  For me, samadhi is elusive and I wonder how many people walking the earth live in this state of being at all times.  I think very few.  I also think that for some, it comes and goes.  It also may be something that we may or may not achieve in lifetime, but taking steps toward it is worthwhile not only to the person but to all things. 

In late summer I began thinking about the Self in a different way.  When I am faced with uncertainties I usually look to books or people I consider wise for answers, but always, I get partially what I am looking for.  I think and believe with more and more certainty that what we seek is what we need to create, or, another way of putting it is the answer to a problem or uncertainty lies in what we want.  What do we want from this situation?  How can we bring that which we want to it?

Often we want something that is missing.  What is missing?   How can we bring it into being?  Maybe when we think something is missing, we are actually seeing the emptiness referred to in all these books I have read on meditation, buddhism, yoga, etc.  And so, this has brought me to understanding emptiness as inherent in the Self.  In this emptiness, if we need it filled, we fill it ourselves with what we want, intend, desire, or some other word in this family that creates an impetus to create.  And what we are doing is perhaps changing the Self.  So, emptiness and the Self are one in the same or closely intertwined. 

I'm winging it here after many dabbling years of reading philosophical and spiritual writings about enlightenment, bliss, the Self, and so on.  It has been awhile, however, since I have read anything along these lines, and I am by no means a scholar of yogic or buddhist texts.  So, if you are reading this and happen to be one, just know that I am without a net of principles committed to memory or a bibliography next to me or study under a guru. 

So, if emptiness and the Self are related or one in the same, then perhaps the Self is creative or dynamic and is something that can change, morph, evolve, accommodate according to the being or person thinking about the Self.  Coming up with solutions, answers, vision, processes to bridge some gap in the perceived emptiness is actually a process of filling the emptiness.  But this emptiness is limitless. There is plenty more where one problem came from.  Just look at the research of scientists.  They find one answer, and thousands more questions lie in wait as a result of that answer.

Maybe?  I like the idea that the Self can interact with someone based on where they might be in their life cycle, personal path, span of awareness.  To me it's as if the Self can encompass and support someone at any point in their lives regardless of how refined and valid their understanding of things such as the Self might be, if at all.  For me, considering the Self as interacting with me makes it personal and it is  reassuring that by uniting with it, or at least trying, I will find a way through my uncertainty, predicament, problem, and it will work out OK.  The consequence of not having the right outlook or solution to something, is that I am still faced with the problem.  So, try again.  See what comes out of it and work from that. 

And then unifying with the Self and/or filling the emptiness is much like writing a poem or running an experiment.  You may have an idea of what the final result should be, but bringing it into being means creating a bridge from the idea into reality, and there are many things known and unknown that lay in wait to alter it.   The more you do it, the more you learn techniques that will bring you closer to what you seek, which becomes clearer as you encounter all the factors at play, and learn how to manage them, use them, to get to something that is true and clear.  A failed experiment still brings information that you can use for the next one, and thus, you are closer to the answer each time, no matter how many attempts.  A failed poem can teach you something about form and/or clarify your subject.

Yoga and Pregnancy

I took a prenatal teacher training a few years ago and have a couple of books.  I have had a handful of pregnant women come to my class in the five years that I have been teaching.  One came to class right into her third trimester.  Up until now, I have never been pregnant.  So, here are some things I have realized in my four months of being pregnant. 

In the first trimester, you can do what you do normally in yoga up until 9 weeks, if you have the energy.  My energy came and went during that time, and my practice became sporadic.  From weeks 9-13, there is a lot of caution given to doing any type of yoga outside of very gentle and restorative poses.  I followed that advice.  After this, you can resume what you were doing normally with some limitations. 

Pregnant women need to decide whether or not they will practice inversions.  When I say inversions I mean shoulderstand and headstand along with a host of other poses based on the entire body being raised above the head. I don't consider down dog or standing spread leg forward fold to be inversions.  Some yoga practitioners consider even those to be inversions because the heart is below the head.  Some pregnant women find inversions to be rejuvenating and a relief from the pressure in their hips.    Some find them to create too much pressure from the heart up while they are pregnant.  I am one of those.  I feel like my head will pop open when I go into shoulder stand.  So, no inversions for me. 

Another set of poses are backbends.  Again, some find them very rejuvenating, others find they create too much pressure.  I am like I was before with backbends - some days they are fine, others a struggle.   My approach to yoga during pregnancy is to not struggle in any pose that I am doing.  So, when backbends are ok, I do bridge knowing that a full backbend will be too much. 

A family of poses to avoid in general are the ones laying with the belly on the floor such as cobra and wheel.  I did a couple of these poses at about six weeks, and deep in my abdomen hurt like a half a dozen needles were sticking there.  Hm, not used to that and don't think I should be.  Needle pain bad.

What about bandhas?  Well, uddiyana bandha is translated as flying up lock.  Uddiyana bandha is the upward energy that we use in movement.  Jumping back and jumping through really develops the uddiyana bandha and helps us make that upward motion much more voluntary.  Upward energy is counter to the action of labor and could be counter to the energy of pregnancy, which is a time of grounding and bringing something down to earth such as the idea or desire to have a baby.  Also, on a physical level, uddiyana bandha compresses the abdomen. When women are pregnant, they should not compress the abdominal muscles.  You want to have a friendly space for the baby, right?  Make sure there is ample room at all times for it while it grows. Mula bandha, on the other hand is fine.  This is the grounding lock, the one that gives us strength and is a downward flow of energy, including muscle energy.  Mula bandha tones the uterus and is much like Kegel exercises.  The practice of mula bandha is beneficial during pregnancy and gets the body ready for labor.

After reading fairly widely about prenatal yoga, I find conflicting advice, much like advice in general for pregnant women, I suppose.  This includes doctors.  When I ask my doctor and my friend about to graduate from med school, they both tell me to do whatever I was doing before.  One told me not to do extreme exercises and gymnastics.  The other told me not to do backbends.  What about the poses where my feet press into my liver and gallbladder such as lotus?  What about deep twists of marichyasana where you are stretching around the sacrum and lumbar spine?  How much of the primary series can I practice, and how?  Well, there is an article on ashtanga.com about prenatal yoga.  I found it to be very helpful in what I can do in the primary series and how I should practice until Baby G comes. 

After slogging through prenatal yoga books, articles, a couple of DVDs and of course practicing, I now understand this.  If you are a beginner in yoga, and you are not a workout type of person, being gentle in your practice is the way to go.  If you are advanced in your yoga practice, you probably have enough body awareness to keep practicing with modifications to maintain your current level of ability.  This means not trying to go deeper in your poses, or taking on any more advanced poses while you are pregnant.  Now, what about the women who run everyday and are in good shape who want to do yoga during their pregnancy?  I think that they may be able to start as a beginner in a vinyasa type yoga.  Vinyasa challenges the breath, which would suit women accustomed to vigorous workouts.  At the same time, they need to know which poses we are cautioned to do during pregnancy. 

The bottom line in doing yoga while pregnant holds true of exercise in general.  During pregnancy, women should not strive to reach new levels of fitness or ability.  They need to just maintain their current level of fitness and ability.

The thing about going to a mixed class while pregnant is that the teacher may not be able to focus on techniques that will help during a pregnancy or help a woman prepare for labor.  Any yoga is good for pregnant women, as it is good for any other person.  If you want to practice yoga to help you have a strong healthy pregnancy and help you in delivery, it is best to find a prenatal yoga class or take a private from a teacher who can offer you prenatal yoga.  Learning to work with the breath in yoga and learning to release tension in the body while pregnant assists women in labor. 

Now, what I say here is based on what I believe and from what I have read.  I have not tried this out myself.  That will happen in June, and I will report back on the experience.  So, a yoga practice helps anyone face discomfort and even pain in a different way.  It's because of the breath and the focus of the mind on the breath.  I think for me, I will be able to withstand the pain, and I am going to see if I can.  I just don't  think numbing the lower half of the body during labor is a good idea, and I don't want to disconnect from the pain of labor if I can stand it.

From my own yoga practice I have learned about pain.  I had a teacher early on who was very strict and stoic about practice, and he told me to breathe through the pain.  So, I did, and I was able to heal my back which hurt every day along with some leftover feelings from past experiences that I could no longer keep inside me.  From this experience and my yoga practice overall, I have learned the difference between damaging pain and pain that must be worked through.  Labor pain is not damaging to the body.  It is natural, and women must labor through it. 

I'm certainly not criticizing women who opt for an epidural, c-section, and/or etc.   I just want to do it myself as much as I can.  I guess I'm just a little old fashioned and don't want 50 people in the room with me that I don't know, drugs, extra hormones or equipment plugged up to me while I'm trying to birth something through a normally small space.  I don't want candles or chanting while I'm birthing either.  We can do that a week or so before the baby is due.  Just let me have my husband and my good friend graduating from med school be there as support and coaching.  Maybe a little background music, me free to move, a room that is not too cold, and lights that are not too bright.  I think I can take care of the rest by relying on my instincts.  I will ask for more medical intervention if I can't do it myself.  And of course, the doctor can come in for the last bit to catch the baby and make sure everything is going ok.

Some may say I am naive.  I myself will say it.  I have known people who wanted only au natural, and when the first strong contraction hit, they called for the epidural.  I may fall in that camp, but I at least want to try and see what happens.  Like I said, I will report back sometime in June, maybe July.  Baby G is due June 10th.  Who knows how that will be.  Well, those with kids already have an idea.

On Healing

Health means wholeness as does yoga, and so, healing is the process of attaining a wider sense of wholeness, like yoga.  Healing is a lifelong process, and yoga is a healing art.  The relationship between healing and yoga has shed new light on healing for me.  To heal does not necessarily require unbearable pain or trouble.  Healing can be growth too. 

My ideas about healing were partly informed by soap operas.  The image of Nikki's bruised face wrapped in gauze in the hospital on Young and the Restless was the hook.  Nikki?  What happened?  What will Victor think?  What about your son?  Headed down a slippery slope in her marriage, she got careless and ended up in a car wreck and was hospitalized.  This healed the conflict in her marriage and in her life, a miracle.  Everyone's heart poured out to her, and all was well again. My neighbor (also the cat lady) and I were so relieved...

So, really what I was taught at a young age, besides how to play the theme on the piano with a lot of feeling, was that to be healed, you had to have some sort of trauma.  This was reinforced by people in my family as well, and so, I followed that pattern. What patterns were you taught?  Do you still follow them?  Which ones best support you in what you want out of life?  Those are the types of questions to ask yourself if you are wanting to change a healing pattern.  For me, when I first started asking those questions, just a few years ago, mind you, and not when I was kid watching soaps, I had no clue what I was asking, let alone any way to find answers. 

These questions got me started, and it was like I had set a course for myself.  By allowing those questions, and that seeking to be part of my intention when I practice, I grew to understand some of the patterns.  But I also just started changing how I respond to things, and I know that my yoga practice in part brought me to a new way of responding.  Also, when faced with changes, the confusion that comes with it is OK.  I can regain my balance if I get thrown off course.

I have come to realize that healing takes on many different patterns, and we can choose how we want to heal - through humor, learning, illness, trauma, love, self reflection, beauty, conflict, a balanced life and body.  There are many ways.

I committed myself to a daily yoga practice after many years of trying out a lot of different methods of self fulfillment.  I haven't tried them all, but I have tried my share I will say, and I will leave it to the imagination in order to avoid embarrassment or from turning this into some sort of confessional. After I began teaching, I realized that if I am going to share yoga with students, then I must explore all aspects of the the practice as much as I can.  And I must be as honest as I can be about where I am and when I share my insights.  Little did I know what kind of healing would take place in me. 

Now, I don't think that practicing yoga is a cure all, the next best thing to replace fiber, beta carotene, and our hopeless materialism.  But, yoga can support anyone practicing it in their pursuit of well being, whatever that may be at any given time.

To Eat

Food is one of the great pleasures in life, yet talking about food and body is tricky territory.  So many people have attached so much guilt to the way they eat, even ones who tout healthy ways and strict diets and getting food from specific places.  So, instead of weeping about being out of shape and eating donuts, it seems that people swing to the other pole and become a dark master over what they and everyone else eats.  I have been in both places about food.  What we eat is important, but I think engaging in a war against ourselves and others about it sets us back.  So, what about a back door?  What about focusing on how we eat?

How to eat.  Paying attention to what you eat can help you realize what you need and what you don't need.  Paying attention includes being aware of energy levels the next day and even moods.  Cooking most of what you eat, also leaves you better satisfied.  Cooking can be a great way to tune into yourself and observe what is happening internally.  Also, eating the food you prepare is the  reward for the work put into it.  Completely chewing your food helps you feel satisfied and is they way the digestive system is designed to process the food you eat.  Plus you are taking the time to savor the food that you are eating.  It shouldn't be something that's just dumped into the mouth and swallowed.

When to eat is something to keep in mind for us yoga practitioners.  If you are practicing first thing in the morning, wait until after practice to eat.  If you need something, have some tea or coffee with a drop of milk.  I tend to do a sleeping practice in the mornings without a little caffeine, and the milk prevents any sudden energy crashes during practice.  If you are going to class and need a snack before going, it's better to eat a light snack about an hour and a half before class.  If you need something closer to class time, have some milk or yogurt but no later than a half an hour before class starts.

I still have a long road when it comes to what I eat, and I know I'm not alone.  A consistent yoga practice focused on expanding a sense of wholeness can lead us all to better habits and approaches to everything, including eating.

June 2006 Schedule

I will be teaching at the Rec Center on June 10th.
Also, the June 15th class at the garden is moving to Tuesday June 13th.  The Wednesday class remains unchanged.

Class Notes
The focus in class for awhile is on back bending sequences and inversions. I would really like for us to develop an awareness of movement in the thoracic spine.  So, as we move into standing back bends and back bend lunges, I will emphasize tucking the tailbone.  Tucking the tailbone will keep us from relying on the flexibility through the hips and help bring the movement into the middle back.  Another emphasis will be pressing the hips into the floor as we move through back bends on our bellies.  I also want us to try back bends against the wall so that we can experience what needs to be happening through the shoulders and upper arms. 

As for inversions, we will explore shoulderstand variations and in the Thursday class, we will be visiting headstand and techniques that can prepare students for safe and stable headstands.

I hope you can join me!

-Renee